I have a friend….lets call him Ross, mostly cos that is his name.

Ross is a funny but reserved man. He works insanely long hours (& days) and these days rarely takes a holiday. If you were to ask him why he does it he would say something like “it needs doing” or “I’m a fanny” and both of these would be true in his mind (and in actuality).

To dig deeper though the best place to start is  “them’s the rules”.

Ross has a series of rules, most of which are shorter than Haikus and none of which make much sense. If you ask Ross to do something that breaks a rule he will recite the rule, say no and intone “them’s the rules…I don’t write the rules…but them’s the rules”. Also if the rule is stupid enough it should also hurt slightly and even better have cut off your own nose to spite you face.

Here are some of my favourites

Ross do you want some crisps?

No crisps after 6 o’clock, them’s the rules…I don’t write the rules…but them’s the rules (from here on abbreviated to TTRIDWTRBTTR  doesn’t that just trip off the tongue/keyboard).

Why aren’t you using your company car ?

It would ruin my street creed – TTRIDWTRBTTR

Context – Ross often brings 3 pieces of fruit to work. Generally a banana and two satsumas. This male genitals physical gag is hilarious only to middle-aged/teenage boys.

Ross  @ 11 o’clock “I’m hungry”

Everyone nearby well have a piece of fruit?

No fruit before lunch TTRIDWTRBTTR

Ross had the same crappy Peugeot diesel car for 15 years

Before it broke forever he would often be asked

That thing is a useless deathtrap why don’t you get something newer (we’ve given up on asking the company car question see above)

You can’t get rid of things that aren’t broken beyond repair TTRIDWTRBTTR

This has also been true of, a 17″ portable TV, a CD player that the display didn’t work on and currently an MP 3 player that will only play random

On replacing his car

Are you buying Japanese/German/Italian ?

You can’t buy from our enemies in WWII – TTRIDWTRBTTR

How about American or French

You can’t buy from late entrants or people who gave in either – TTRIDWTRBTTR

As time went on this way of thinking gradually seeped into my head

My first one was

4.01 pm – Oh no I can’t get chocolate from the machine

Ross why not?

No machine chocolate after 4.00pm – TTRIDWTRBTTR (actually I did write that one but hey ho)

Ross beam of approval – not just because the rule was stupid but also  because I’d left to get the chocolate a 3.55 and stopped to ask Ross a work related question that could’ve waited

Also – I missed the bus this morning and was late because it took me so long to walk to a shop to get some change

Why didn’t you walk back to the house

You can’t walk back the way you came – TTRIDWTRBTTR

So the next time you don’t want to do something remember….them’s the rules…I don’t write the rules…but them’s the rules.

But also remember that once you intone the phrase , you can’t go back, it’s a rule to live your life by and if it hurts …..so much the better